I’ll be honest, sometimes I get a little bored by the cliché devotions I read about the familiar bible stories from my childhood. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t just commit blasphemy, I don’t think… when you have been in the church, in the ministry since birth, one can grow weary of reading, hearing things put in the same way. I was in the store recently and a sweet lady was pushing her cart near me and I heard her on the phone (everyone heard her on the phone!) trying to give biblical counsel to someone on the other end. It wasn’t necessarily totally theologically wrong; it was just annoying to me. I’m sure it was just my take on it at the time; at the place I was in- I was walking around like a zombie (the slow moving kind) sick, tired and bored with the usual. Yawn. God’s word is never boring or stale but sometimes we are. It’s us- the speaker or the listener…. stale, old, tired, worn out, predictable, –blah blah blah, …rolling eyes bored. I’m just in a new place in my own life where I can’t do the rote memory thing anymore, the expected, the canned version. I need a remake of the old version.
Bill and I love the movie Sabrina- the new version (which is actually old now). I made myself watch the old version and while I appreciate the original and all that implies, it just wears me out. I don’t want to watch it or hear it again. I want the new one, even better, the new new one. We love movies in our family; we have this little game we like to play- if they were to remake a movie who would be the prefect actors to play the main roles. I think they really missed it when they didn’t remake the western classic “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid” with Brad Pit as Robert Redford and Matthew McConaughey as Paul Newman. There’s a multimillion-dollar opportunity somebody missed. Instead, we got Bewitched and Scooby do! Baby boomers, ugh! We think the whole world revolved around us and it did for a long time historically but let’s move on to things new and interesting. I can’t watch another remake of Underdog- let’s do something relevant and meaningful. I’m looking for the new version of my old self. A wiser, smarter, thinner, healthier, more humble, thoughtful, deeper, creative, artistic, focused version of myself.When I was young people used to say Sally Fields was my doppelganger- I was flattered. Somewhere along the way she moved on and I didn’t. I became someone I didn’t recognize any longer- I’m not trying to recapture my youth. I’m trying to find the best version of my self at this age and season of my life, new stories, and fresh insight, inspired living. The version I know is honoring to God. I’m on a journey back to who God made me to be for all the days of my life. Growing. Changing in positive ways fitting for my age and experiences.
My husband, Bill is preaching through the gospel of John right now. He challenged us a while back to read through John before he started preaching. Who doesn’t love the book of John, it’s our go to book for the gospel of Jesus. I decided to read and study all four gospels on my own last year. In Luke 10:38-42 we read the story of Mary and Martha serving Jesus. Actually it is of Martha serving Jesus and Mary sitting at his feet worshipping him. Classic story we’ve heard and know all the applications by heart. Strangely I was reading it again this summer and for the first time I realized I was Martha. I always thought I played the role of Mary. I thought I was the leading role modeling the example of true spirituality. I couldn’t believe it! I was Martha. Don’t misunderstand; she’s fine and necessary but not the leading lady here. She was a supporting actress doing the necessary things to be a good hostess, a servant, to meet the needs of the situation she was in. I’ve been “doing” ministry my whole life and I thought I knew who I was- I was Mary. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
This summer was a change point for me in many ways and I’m so thankful. Just because we have always done something one way doesn’t mean we have to continue in that same deeply rutted path. Now mind you, it is hard to step up and over- to get a foot out, but once you do, you never want to be buried in that path again. I’m forging a new path, a new role, one that I am actually called to play right now- to stop with the preparations and sit at the feet of Jesus. I’m starting this new path of sitting and worshipping Jesus without guilt or pressure to serve. I’m ashamed to say, I literally said out loud this summer, “I’m the only one who can really do this correctly, if I don’t do this, it won’t be done right.” Dear God please forgive me for my arrogance and false sense of obedience and spirituality. My pharisaical piety, my superior attitude- “woe is me for I am undone!” I was serving because it was expected of me.
I’ve been too worried about people’s approval and their criticism. What are people saying about me? I got deeply hurt a while back and the bible tells us to not be easily offended. But I was offended. I was hurt, defensive and wounded. I thought I had dealt with it correctly, but I hadn’t, instead I stuffed it down deep so it wouldn’t show. I put up armor and withdrew so no one could ever have the chance to hurt me again. Trying to please man and not God makes for a miserable life. One of the things I worried about even yesterday after my first blog was one of the very things that kept me from moving forward in writing publically- being offended in some way, being picked apart and criticized by those who don’t love me, or even those who do love me for that matter. I’ve always felt the need to please everyone- desiring everyone’s love and approval but instead of that need making me lean on His strength and to be propelled forward, like I said yesterday, it paralyzed me. Being bare, exposed and vulnerable…yikes, it still scares me. The feeling like “my paper” wasn’t perfect, I was afraid you’d thoughtlessly ignore the meat, the meaning, the message and instead just red mark my grammar, spelling and punctuation. The old ways, insecurities, yokes, enslavements…. Well, mark away if y0u must, but I’m moving forward even with red ink.
I think of Ecclesiastes 3 about there being a time for everything, a season… I don’t think I was always off base. I think when I was starting out I was doing what God called me to do with a genuine heart. I think I thought because I was on this one path, that it was my path, my thing, the same thing that people expected me to do. The way I should be forever. I was wrong. Jesus came to set us free and I am free indeed. Being a public figure as the senior pastor’s wife, I thought I had to do it all…. especially the older I got because age implies a wiser, seasoned, deeply spiritual, worked out pastor’s wife. Wrong. I was older, stale, tired and weary. Jesus said to me, “Come to me, all who are weary and heavy –laden and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28) I couldn’t do it anymore; I had nothing left to give, just flat worn out in every possible way. I’ve been trying to play the same role I played when I was younger. I couldn’t lug Saul’s armor around anymore- it didn’t fit. I was broken and shattered, at the end of my personal rope, at a crossroads, a change point. I decided to stop worrying about my role and to just sit at His feet, like Mary, without guilt in not offering to get up and help with the dishes. So that’s what I’m doing right now, I’m just sitting without guilt at his feet. I’ll use an app to bring take out food on paper plates but I’m not getting up until He tells me otherwise- until I’m stronger. Right now, I have to just sit. That’s all I’m sure of.
What’s your role in this season? It doesn’t have to be mine, what’s your role right now? Freshly cast, newly inspired, directed from God to you?“I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”Psalm 27: 13-14
“In your unfailing love you will lead people you have redeemed. In your strength you will guide them to your dwelling.”Exodus 15:13
6 thoughts on “Just Sitting”
Whew! I was struck by your thoughts on wrestling with approval.. I feel like I’ve struggled with that my whole life, just striving for others to see me in a certain life. Today, I was doing some reading when I was stopped mid-page by a thought. The author was talking about the ways in which we seek to change ourselves and the reasons for doing so. One of them was basically the approval of self. That for some reason, I have lived with this deep need to prove to myself that I am who I need to be. Not trusting in what God says, or who Jesus is. Just my own expectations and idols that I have sought to shape myself into. Deeply convicting. Thanks for sharing, Mom.
And, I love that you are sharing your writing.
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your_other_son. Thanks for supporting me. I’ve always felt like our hearts understood each other is so many ways. Wow- that is very deep water. Truly, that is an incredible thought. Never seen it that way but I think it is true. Self doubt? I always ask myself things like that… Am I really smart? Am I really as funny as I think I am lol. It’s crazy- we are trying to literally justify ourselves to ourselves! Who I want to be seen as? Building our own little world of preferences. Trying to convince people my preferences are not just worthy but possibly better? Time to think about this
. Think… I will… master !!
Thank you for this inspiring post!!
You have always been an encouraging supportive role model for my life!
Thank you Sis!
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Thank you my sweet sis. You’ve always been my biggest cheerleader and I yours. I never want to take that for granted. I love you.
Sheri…I’m glad for your honesty. A few years ago I went through a dark night of the soul. There was no one I could share it with without fearing judgement, platitudes, or even well meaning advice. I don’t believe I can share with anyone what I’ve been through & am still thinking. But I believe I’m coming out & am getting better for it. I no longer go to a church. I just believe different things. But I still feel a longing, desire for a relationship with Jesus. I have issues with the bible. I was raised a catholic and went to church all my life. I read & studied the bible extensively. I loved, & still do , praying. I just got bored with “church”. The sameness, etc. Anyway I appreciate your honesty. I thought I would share a little honesty too. I’m not expecting anything from you so don’t be alarmed or stressed over it! I’ve always enjoyed what little talks we had when you were at Harvest. You always seemed to be so open and friendly and to have it together…I know that was foolish of me to think so at the time. Anyway follow your heart & don’t worry. A verse that helped me to start seeing a way out is in 1st John about perfect love casts out fear because fear has to do with punishment. From my youth all the way through my later years there was fear, and I feel that God’s love is what is setting me free. Love to you & your family. We are glad we came to know you when you were at Harvest. Abundant blessings to you and yours. Ellen
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Ellen- so happy to hear from you. I too appreciate your honesty. I understand. Nothing is as cut and dried as I once believed. Thank you for sharing that with me. You guys were always special to us. Our boys and their journey growing up…
Fear! For sure, it’s paralyzingly – stay in touch. Love to you also.